from a million little pieces pg 79 & 80


i don't want to be alone. i have never wanted to be alone. i fucking hate it. i hate that i have no one to talk to. i hate that i have no one to call, i hate that i have no on e to hold my hand, hug me, tell me everything is going to be all right. i hate that i have no one to share my hopes and my dreams with, i hate that i no longer have any hopes or dreams, i hate that i have no one to tell me to hold on, that i will find them again. i hate that when i scream, i scream bloody murder, that i am screaming into emptiness. i hate that there is no one to hear my scream and that there is no one to help me learn how to stop screaming. i hate that what i have turned to in my lonliness lives in a pipe or a bottle. i hate that what i have turned to in my lonliness is killing me, has already killed me, or will kill me soon. i hate that i will die alone. i will die alone in my horror.

more than anything, all i have ever wanted is to be close to someone. more than anything, all i have ever wanted is to feel like i wasn't alone. i have tried many times, tried to kill my lonliness with a girl or a woman, and it was never right. we would be together and feel close to each other and it was never right. no matter how close we were i still felt alone. they felt that lonliness and it made them want to get closer. when they tried i either ran or did something to destroy what we felt for each other. i can run fast when i want to run fast, and i have always been good at destroying things.